many different versions but mainly paige (crazybutterfly) wrote,
many different versions but mainly paige

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don't really care who reads this... it's more for me

i don't really have anywhere else to turn and i usually just turn to livejournal to write, so i am. so yes i am using livejournal :) i have thought about being anorexic again. i know that it is completely obsurd and i should 'be happy with the body i have', but i'm not. i'm not happy with anything right now but my family and my close friends. if i didn't have them, wow... life would really be in the shithole again. i don't like not having things in my control and lately i feel like nothing is in my control. i've always known that i truly don't have control over what happens and even God can't control everything that happens to us (free will, duh) but i use to feel that i had some control over things. i can't control what people think about me, what they say about me, how my family critiques me, how i look at myself... how guys look at me... idk. so many things out of my control and i don't really know what to do about it. i'm spinning out of control it seems and i don't know how to gain some control. so there is where the anorexia thing comes into play. i know i CAN control that! i just want my outside to look like i feel on the inside... empty. i just want to be able to express how i'm feeling without feeling selfish. i just want to be able to accept a compliment and not be embarassed. i hate feeling sad because i feel conceited when i'm sad. i hate crying because i don't want anyone to notice and when they do, i feel ashamed because i probably did want them to notice. my emotions keep getting played with and people wonder why i am so shut off with people. seriously, just don't lie to me. if you tell me the truth, i will respect you a lot more for it. oh well... i'm done and i need to go to class... maybe i can control my grades?
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