many different versions but mainly paige (crazybutterfly) wrote,
many different versions but mainly paige
crazybutterfly

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don't really care who reads this... it's more for me

i don't really have anywhere else to turn and i usually just turn to livejournal to write, so i am. so yes i am using livejournal :) i have thought about being anorexic again. i know that it is completely obsurd and i should 'be happy with the body i have', but i'm not. i'm not happy with anything right now but my family and my close friends. if i didn't have them, wow... life would really be in the shithole again. i don't like not having things in my control and lately i feel like nothing is in my control. i've always known that i truly don't have control over what happens and even God can't control everything that happens to us (free will, duh) but i use to feel that i had some control over things. i can't control what people think about me, what they say about me, how my family critiques me, how i look at myself... how guys look at me... idk. so many things out of my control and i don't really know what to do about it. i'm spinning out of control it seems and i don't know how to gain some control. so there is where the anorexia thing comes into play. i know i CAN control that! i just want my outside to look like i feel on the inside... empty. i just want to be able to express how i'm feeling without feeling selfish. i just want to be able to accept a compliment and not be embarassed. i hate feeling sad because i feel conceited when i'm sad. i hate crying because i don't want anyone to notice and when they do, i feel ashamed because i probably did want them to notice. my emotions keep getting played with and people wonder why i am so shut off with people. seriously, just don't lie to me. if you tell me the truth, i will respect you a lot more for it. oh well... i'm done and i need to go to class... maybe i can control my grades?
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i've thought often about cutting down my food intake to make my appearance thinner, "more beautiful" but you and i both know what our "family and friends" would think of it. at least the ones that care for you on the inside and not just outward appearance.
emotions are a simple as that. you feel them because they are there and frankly to control such a thing would be absurd and asking too much from where they come from.
cry if you need to.
show someone your crying if that will help you feel like it's important.
shy away from your shame, because, shame will bring you down...and as a single creative important soul(even if the would is huge and you are a nano-percentage of it) there is never a need to be ashamed of any action.

i love you paige and these are things that i have learned.
learn with me and accept situation as it is...even though it's so hard.


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