ever have those days when you just feel like you don't matter? that you don't make a difference in anyone's life? this is one of those days. you think you get past feelings but that never happens. i just don't want to feel alone... i'm looking for something and i just can't get it. i don't understand why lara had to change, i don't understand why nikki switched schools (i do, but i still don't like it), i don't understand how sarah and i fell out, i don't understand why mike and i can't think of anything to say to each other, i don't understand why a lot of things happen. i really do miss lara... she will always be considered one of my best friends... with the distance between us or without... i will always love her. no matter what nikki does, i can't help but love her... she's always been there for me. mike could ignore me for the rest of my life and i'd still love him... his opinion has always meant something to me. i wished things between sarah and i could be different, but no matter what i remember the memories and love her for them.
the fact of the matter is we are all different people now... we have different friends, different loves, different everything! but i still think there is always going to be something the same about all of us. we just think we are different when really is we just never realized that part about each other because of our friendships. i'm probably making no sense to anyone else but me. i will always remember what it was like though... the way i felt when sarah amy lara and i first played with shalom and melville... when mike first opened up to me... mine and lara's phone conversations of silence... nikki's unfailing friendship...
i just can't believe it's over... it's really over. or am i wrong?
but i believe in you so much,
i could die from the words that you say.
but you're chasing the ghost of a good thing,
haunting yourself as the real thing,
it's getting away from you again,
while your chasing a ghost.
i really do love steve, jenna, lindsey, mary, alison, brit, elli, and others. i guess i'd rather have fewer great friends than a lot of ok friends, like it use to be... but i miss my other great friends so much... sarah and i tried, but that obviously didn't work out. i just need to move on i guess... i feel as if i'm the only one who would actually want to try something... but i don't think it matters what i want.
its just one of those days... it will pass... it has to.