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Friday, October 6th, 2006

Subject:don't really care who reads this... it's more for me
Time:10:31 am.
i don't really have anywhere else to turn and i usually just turn to livejournal to write, so i am. so yes i am using livejournal :) i have thought about being anorexic again. i know that it is completely obsurd and i should 'be happy with the body i have', but i'm not. i'm not happy with anything right now but my family and my close friends. if i didn't have them, wow... life would really be in the shithole again. i don't like not having things in my control and lately i feel like nothing is in my control. i've always known that i truly don't have control over what happens and even God can't control everything that happens to us (free will, duh) but i use to feel that i had some control over things. i can't control what people think about me, what they say about me, how my family critiques me, how i look at myself... how guys look at me... idk. so many things out of my control and i don't really know what to do about it. i'm spinning out of control it seems and i don't know how to gain some control. so there is where the anorexia thing comes into play. i know i CAN control that! i just want my outside to look like i feel on the inside... empty. i just want to be able to express how i'm feeling without feeling selfish. i just want to be able to accept a compliment and not be embarassed. i hate feeling sad because i feel conceited when i'm sad. i hate crying because i don't want anyone to notice and when they do, i feel ashamed because i probably did want them to notice. my emotions keep getting played with and people wonder why i am so shut off with people. seriously, just don't lie to me. if you tell me the truth, i will respect you a lot more for it. oh well... i'm done and i need to go to class... maybe i can control my grades?
1 Looker| Something Hidden...

Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006

Subject:i role the window down... and then begin to breath
Time:2:55 am.
Mood: confused.
i always wonder if i could go back and change anything, would i? i mean seriously... are there not some things in your life that you wonder how the outcome would have been different? i know that everything happens for a reason and this is not about regrets, but about curiousity. we choose a new path each day and what if you could see the what the path held for you before you even took it? life would lose it's thrill i guess.

procrastination is not a good thing i'm telling you. i should be studying for my final or sleeping or something. i should be doing something other than listening to music and thinking about nothing.

i can't stop thinking it seems. good and bad thoughts are flowing from my fingers and for some reason... i don't want to stop it. for once i feel more like myself than ever. i actually know who i am, who i have been, and who i want to become. hopefully the obstacles will only help.
Something Hidden...

Monday, February 13th, 2006

Time:10:23 am.
Mood: depressed.
i've never felt more alone in my life.
well i'm sure i have, but at this moment i am so alone.
there is nobody in kearney who i can completely rely on.
sadie is the only person and i feel bad for being so emotional with her.
i miss alison and mary. i wish i lindsey and i were closer, but i don't see that happening anytime soon.
i feel like all i've been doing is studying and crying.
what kinda life is this? is this what i really wanted?
why did i come to kearney in the first place?
to get away from everything in Lincoln,
but all i want to do now is run back to everything i was running away from.
i can't look back and i know that,
but right now i can't even look forward.
so what am i doing all of this for?
Something Hidden...

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Time:3:18 pm.
Mood: drained.
have you ever been so tired and worn out that it seems useless to even sleep at all at night? maybe i should go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills as my mother would love me to do, but i do not want to be on medication. i hate medicine and sleep isn't that important to me.

i need to do something productive... like schoolwork. but instead i'll probably go back to postsecret.com and think about what i would write on my postcard. i already have an idea and that makes me excited.

i really think that being misunderstood is just how life is going to be. it's not a bad thing, just a simple truth to me. probably because i won't let anybody understand me. now that is probably a bad thing.
Something Hidden...

Time:2:22 am.
Mood: awake.
i know it's been forever, i've just decided that i had to come back.
not necessarily for anyone else's purposes but for my own.
i need to sleep though, even if i don't want to...

the time has come again to dream of (insert what i'm feeling)
Something Hidden...

Monday, June 27th, 2005

Time:2:01 am.
Mood: lazy.
i am happy, sounds strange to say... i always find something wrong.
maybe it will reveal itself soon.

watched the newsies tonight... twice.
i live an exciting happy life :)
sometimes the simple things are what make me happy...
not the things you wish to happen that don't.

i think tonight i'll marry christian bale.
lara you will be one of my bridesmaids.
you know you want to! ;)
2 Lookers| Something Hidden...

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Time:11:43 pm.
i didn't know.
i didn't see it.
i never thought i would see it.
the way you look at me makes me sad.
i can't catch my breath
as the sound of your voice behind me reaches my ears...
it follows me...
haunts me...
makes you seem like my world.
you look down on me.
better than me are you?
i remember the time when you said we would be perfect together...
that we wouldn't get confusing...
that you wouldn't leave me...
but all i hear is your voice.
echoing, over and over and over again.
i think of you over in mind...
the way you smelled, the way you smiled...
the way you held me, the way you felt...
the way you avoid me, the way you don't call,
the way you search for something to say, but give up anyway.
you broke my heart and i can't find all the pieces.
why did you take them... your voice still echoing in my ears...
why did you do this to me?
"i don't know... i just don't know"

simple... it's so simple. just apologize and let this be done with.
Something Hidden...

Sunday, February 27th, 2005

Time:10:32 pm.
"stop looking at me like you think you've seen me naked"
Something Hidden...

Time:10:04 pm.
Mood: drained.
her thoughts keep floating in my head
i can't see mine anymore

you will never realize it because of the way we are
but i do love you
more than i would admit
for if i admitted it
i would be wrong
you, he, me, she, wrong. all wrong.

something doesn't feel right
seem right
think right

you will realize too late
just like me
Something Hidden...

Subject:la la la
Time:2:43 am.
Mood: restless.
oh how amazing.
i feel awesome truthfully.
i've felt bad for saying it.
it will probably be jinxed now.

now that is entertainment.

stop yacking and just talk.
i knew this would happen.
why wasn't i warned?

why didn't you warn me?
because you were too busy.

i'm too busy to notice.
too busy to be nice.
to sleep.
to wonder and think.

thinking is overrated.
Something Hidden...

Monday, February 7th, 2005

Time:11:26 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.
as if i have any more reasons to be pessimistic.
adding on to my crazy, insane, wild, useless day, hovorka now tells us that we have a quiz tomorrow... maybe i wasn't paying attention but i never knew about that... i should probably get up early to be sure that i know what i am doing for it.
i like talking to people who think i'm funny... and that my whining is cute... paul is the only one that thinks that, haha. what a cutie.
my cat is meowing at me as if i did something completely unforgivable... she is so odd.
traci promised to come down and see me sometime soon, i hope that is true. i feel as if i missed out on something while i was away in arizona. as if my friends really do care. sara cares more about me then the ones who are right next to me! :) (oh sara) i just wish i wasn't so confused
o so confused

have i told you lately that i love you?
that i love everything about you?
that you are my reason?
did you know you had that influence?
you are the one who saved me.
can you believe it?
waste waste waste hope waste
did i tell you that i miss you?
that i miss the way you made me act?
that you are my reason for the changes in me?
did you know that you had that influence?
that you are the only one that can bring me back.

woop woop, move over that ass is too fat
Something Hidden...

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

Subject:the beautiful letdown
Time:11:06 pm.
Mood: discontent.
bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day

ok i'm done. i just realized that i'm naive in thinking that something can go my way every once in a while. i'm stupid to think that i fit in. i'm wrong to think that i'm important. i misunderstood that i thought i was happy. i was, but it faded. i feel jaded. oh this feeling inside of me. i need to put my writing on this thing, but can't. idk, scared maybe? if so that is sad. SAD!!! happy? nope... seems like a false word... a made up word.

ah, i'm over it... so so so so so so over it.

i have no lid upon my head but if i did... you could look inside and see what's on my mind
-dave matthews band

after my talk with carrie though the song that i first heard was dare you to move by switchfoot... on a radio station, so if that's not a sign of what God wants me to do then i don't know what is. i will lift myself off of the floor and move... i'm moving on.
1 Looker| Something Hidden...

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Subject:computers suck
Time:10:04 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
i hate my computer... i just updated and it didn't take it... stupid asshole computer makers.

i know she loves the sunrise...
no longer sees it with her sleepy eyes and...
i know that when she says she's gonna try,
well it might not work because of other ties and...
i know she usually has some other ties and...
i wouldn't want to break them, nah, wouldn't want to break them.
maybe she help me to untie this, but
until then well... i'm gonna have to lie too.
-jack johnson

so what i was doing was whining about how i don't like cheerleading because i don't fit in with those girls anymore and they really could care less about me and like any of you really care about that anyway.

bright side... jenna schulz:

JazDancer7825: you are probably giggling every time you picture him
JazDancer7825: lol
schulzy53: no im not
JazDancer7825: yeah right
schulzy53: im not like that
JazDancer7825: i can hear it
schulzy53: only u would do that
JazDancer7825: it's a he he thing
schulzy53: im shaking my head at u right now
JazDancer7825: the jenna schulz bachlorette laugh
schulzy53: i want to be a bachlorette
JazDancer7825: giggle giggle
schulzy53: imagine me saying that in the tune of i wanna be a supermodel
JazDancer7825: that would be pretty funny to see... you'd be like.. uh your stupid i hate you get off my show
schulzy53: haha probably
JazDancer7825: will you sing that for me tomorrow?
schulzy53: no
3 Lookers| Something Hidden...

Sunday, January 30th, 2005

Time:9:54 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
the way to my heart is through coldplay and dave matthews band. if anyone wanted to know :)
1 Looker| Something Hidden...

Subject:it's me
Time:4:26 pm.
Mood: blah.
how odd it feels to come back to this! i've been reading lara's for awhile, but i thought i forgot my password and then today, it magically reappeared in my head! it's amazing. well. hello everyone! missed you all a lot :) sorry so short but my brain has been switched off momentarily and i don't know when it's coming back. i'm too tired to think about my brain working. things are good but they also suck. go figure. i keep getting caught up in my words than my actions. sound familiar? well. people suck and that's all i have to say about that.
Something Hidden...

Saturday, January 24th, 2004

Time:12:36 am.
Mood: crappy.
what the heck is wrong with me??? i seriously am such an ungrateful little snot and i would hate myself if i was anyone else. i make people feel bad for making me feel bad when really i'm the one making me feel bad. so why can't i change? because i don't know how. i swear i'm bipolar or something because no one can have this many emotions all in one day. i looked up the meaning of bipolar and i don't know if i have it or not... i know i have times when i'm fine and happy and other times when i feel worthless and guilty... sometimes i feel so horrible that i make myself physically ill and sick to my stomach. i know i just need to give it all to God and trust in Him, but it's sooo different. maybe i'm not meant to have close friends. it seems as though no matter how close i get to someone, once they know who i really am, i lose them. i just want these feelings to go away... i just want to feel normal and happy and fun! what else do i need in my life? what am i missing? why am i taking my anger out on my friends? why so many why questions?
1 Looker| Something Hidden...

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Subject:"love is a role that we play"
Time:9:23 pm.
Mood: crushed.
ever have those days when you just feel like you don't matter? that you don't make a difference in anyone's life? this is one of those days. you think you get past feelings but that never happens. i just don't want to feel alone... i'm looking for something and i just can't get it. i don't understand why lara had to change, i don't understand why nikki switched schools (i do, but i still don't like it), i don't understand how sarah and i fell out, i don't understand why mike and i can't think of anything to say to each other, i don't understand why a lot of things happen. i really do miss lara... she will always be considered one of my best friends... with the distance between us or without... i will always love her. no matter what nikki does, i can't help but love her... she's always been there for me. mike could ignore me for the rest of my life and i'd still love him... his opinion has always meant something to me. i wished things between sarah and i could be different, but no matter what i remember the memories and love her for them.

the fact of the matter is we are all different people now... we have different friends, different loves, different everything! but i still think there is always going to be something the same about all of us. we just think we are different when really is we just never realized that part about each other because of our friendships. i'm probably making no sense to anyone else but me. i will always remember what it was like though... the way i felt when sarah amy lara and i first played with shalom and melville... when mike first opened up to me... mine and lara's phone conversations of silence... nikki's unfailing friendship...

i just can't believe it's over... it's really over. or am i wrong?

but i believe in you so much,
i could die from the words that you say.
but you're chasing the ghost of a good thing,
haunting yourself as the real thing,
it's getting away from you again,
while your chasing a ghost.
-dashboard confessional

i really do love steve, jenna, lindsey, mary, alison, brit, elli, and others. i guess i'd rather have fewer great friends than a lot of ok friends, like it use to be... but i miss my other great friends so much... sarah and i tried, but that obviously didn't work out. i just need to move on i guess... i feel as if i'm the only one who would actually want to try something... but i don't think it matters what i want.

its just one of those days... it will pass... it has to.
3 Lookers| Something Hidden...

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Time:9:55 pm.
my birthday was this sunday and i was incredibly happy to see that lara remembered and called me... it just made me feel like we still have that friendship, which i believe we do... some of my old friends i don't think we will ever be able to be good friends again... mostly just aquaintances. studies!
Something Hidden...

Monday, September 29th, 2003

Subject:well, i haven't written in forever... but i need to so i am
Time:7:51 pm.
well, hopefully homecoming will still be fun without a date. this is my first year that i'm every going to not have a date... it's kinda weird. i'm kinda upset about it because tommy was 'going to ask me' according to alicia and zane, but he decided that when he was drunk he'd say yes to this girl who asked him named heather noel. i dont' know her, but i really could care less who she is right now because i hate her. i'm pissed that he even said yes, when i was told by so many people, 'o yeah he wants to ask you, but he doesn't know when... he thinks your soo cool blah blah blah' it's all a crock of shit. whatever though. i don't want people's sympathy though because it's just kinda annoying when people are like ooooo i'm sooo sorry!!!! are you ok???? i'm just like get off. i just told you because i don't want all these people being like ooo so is tommy going to ask you??? ugh. guys are gay and homecoming is gay. not really, i'm just thinking very negative right now. it will pass over.... it always does.

i've dealt with my ghosts and i've faced all my demons, finally content with a past i regret. i've found you find strength in your moments of weakness, for once i'm at peace with myself. i've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long...
i'm moving on. i'm moving on... at last i can see, life has been patiently waiting for me and i know there's no guarantee, but i'm not alone. there comes a time in everyone's life, where all you can see is the years passing by and i've made up my mind that those days are gone.
- rascal flatts
Something Hidden...

Friday, June 27th, 2003

Time:11:15 pm.
just because you have the emotional span of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all do.
Something Hidden...

LiveJournal for many different versions but mainly paige.

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